Falling....

Typically autumn has been my favorite time of year.  The visual change in the living preparing for winter slumber, the crispness of the air cooling my cheeks, the coming of early dark, all give me comfort and make me want to burrow in and create of place of coziness.

Not this year.  As each leaf changes its color, in the garden of serenity I have planted and nurtured through the late frosts of spring and the blazing desert heat,  I am filled with panic. I have an overwhelming desire to collect each leaf and blossom that falls  and return it to its perch.   I am not ready for winter.  In place of the joy and feeling of abundance I usually feel this time of year, I feel dread.  I am not ready for winter.  Even with the knowledge that...spring WILL come...the cycle of life will continue...joy will return.  I am not ready for winter.

Why??  Why this overwhelming meloncholy?  Perhaps it is a symbol of my tremendous struggle with Meisyn's condition.  I am not ready for her body's winter.  I am not ready for her earthly slumber, for the coldness of her cheeks, for the darkness of the huge hole that will nearly collapse my heart.

I am not ready for the princess crowns that will be exchanged for angel wings.

 

Its so much for me to carry.  I thought I had worked through all this conflict as I traveled the grieving process for Ammon's path.  But, I clearly see I am not ready for his quirky, love filled soul to leave me either.  I am not ready for the storms that must preceed my rainbows.  I am not ready for winter.

The other day huge rain clouds gathered and the thunder roared and shook the house.  Meisyn shrieked out with anxiety.  Ammon quickly comforted, "Otay Meisyn. Wainbow comin'".  Where is my faith that the rainbows ARE coming?  All I can feel is the foreboding of the devastating storm.

I follow another mother's blog who travels the same broken road that I am on.  I will borrow from a post she shared this week. I am trying to get to this point but I am having such a struggle.

"Why would I want to allow the enemy to steal joy from today through my fears of tomorrow? God will already be there when and IF I arrive! If I carry tomorrow's burden of pain today, will it make the burden lighter tomorrow? Obviously not! But Christ will be there tomorrow to help me carry it! So, for today.... I will choose JOY instead! "

Stefani

SHE WAS HERE

I feel sad. Yesterday I was talking to a woman who just lost her beloved 20 year old niece. The child was never able to walk or talk. She had epilepsy too. A respiratory illness took this child. As you can imagine with what Ammie and Meisyn face this really haunts me.

Speaking with aunt she shared how much joy this child has brought into their lives and that while they should be glad that she is no longer suffering, they will miss her so very, very much. Today is the funeral.

While I was out this morning running errands I overhead a group of women I didn't know who were talking about this.

Woman 1: Oh such a blessing really. What a pitiful life for this child.
 Woman 2: Yes a blessing. Such a burden for her family.

If I could actually talk about Ammon and Meisyn without sobbing I would have shared what a bright star this child was in the lives of those who knew her. What a gift she gave to all those who shared her life. To this new angel and her family I give my honor and share my sorrow. This child mattered. This life changed the world in such a blessed way. SHE WAS HERE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i41qWJ6QjPI

Iron County Fair time

While the fair is just TOO EXPENSIVE for a large family to do everything they want, we did get to play and have a fun time.  Then it was off to Auntie Kim-michelle and Uncle Scott's house for the Labor Day BBQ.

 

 

 

 

Meisyn Medical Status

We had our big evaluations with the neuromuscular specialist.

Meisyn was her usual delightful self. It was just Mama and Meisyn and we had alot of fun. We still have many things we want to do. I had a chuckle at my concerns over the darling dimple in Meisyn's left cheek. No worries. She is just getting FAT! She has gained another 2 pounds in the past 7 weeks. This explains the fatigue too. She is not used to having to drag all this weight around and it tuckers her out sometimes. She tips the scales at a whopping 33 lbs now. WAHOO. The specialists would like to see her at the 10% level on the growth chart. We will have a long way to go to get there.

Severe. I have learned through the years that hearing this from a doctor is never good. Meisyn still has many tests to pin down exactly what is going on with her but she has too many unique things happening that suggest she might have a nerve disease AND the muscular disease. We won't know for a while yet but it doesn't really matter as both end the same way. They are both on the same road but we aren't sure what exit we will be getting off. I asked if it is possible that Meisyn has just a nerve disease. It is possible though unlikely and the end result is the same....and whatever it turns out she has, she is a severe case already.

 

There will be overall deterioraton and weakness with Meisyn's body. The flu or a respiratory illness is
going to be her nemeis by overwhelming her respiratory system. She is considered medically fragile and if she goes more than 12 hours without food or drink she needs to be admitted to the hospital and be administered amino acids directly into her muscles. The pulmonologist will be seen next and she wll get nightly oxygen set up for nighttime.

The specialist would like us to consider again the surgery for her scoliosis as that bending spine will continue to limit her lung capacity. Shriners prefers to keep her comfortable and not do the surgery, let her enjoy the time that she has. I don't know yet what we will do.

We will make every day count. We have more princess dresses to buy. Today she told me she needed a crown. But of course! She told me on the ride home that she loves America because she can wear dresses and have long hair. The simple dreams fulfilled of pure hearted little girl.

So Behind...so very, very behind

How about we catch up in pictures.  You can guess what is going on!

Then wheelchair fitting....scheduled for pickup Nov 12, 2012

School starts...Taisha leaves the nest and we MISS HER!

Gotta get ready for flu season

 

Amd Aaron breaks his wrist.  Goodbye football season after one game....