Typically autumn has been my favorite time of year. The visual change in the living preparing for winter slumber, the crispness of the air cooling my cheeks, the coming of early dark, all give me comfort and make me want to burrow in and create of place of coziness.
Not this year. As each leaf changes its color, in the garden of serenity I have planted and nurtured through the late frosts of spring and the blazing desert heat, I am filled with panic. I have an overwhelming desire to collect each leaf and blossom that falls and return it to its perch. I am not ready for winter. In place of the joy and feeling of abundance I usually feel this time of year, I feel dread. I am not ready for winter. Even with the knowledge that...spring WILL come...the cycle of life will continue...joy will return. I am not ready for winter.
Why?? Why this overwhelming meloncholy? Perhaps it is a symbol of my tremendous struggle with Meisyn's condition. I am not ready for her body's winter. I am not ready for her earthly slumber, for the coldness of her cheeks, for the darkness of the huge hole that will nearly collapse my heart.
I am not ready for the princess crowns that will be exchanged for angel wings.
Its so much for me to carry. I thought I had worked through all this conflict as I traveled the grieving process for Ammon's path. But, I clearly see I am not ready for his quirky, love filled soul to leave me either. I am not ready for the storms that must preceed my rainbows. I am not ready for winter.
The other day huge rain clouds gathered and the thunder roared and shook the house. Meisyn shrieked out with anxiety. Ammon quickly comforted, "Otay Meisyn. Wainbow comin'". Where is my faith that the rainbows ARE coming? All I can feel is the foreboding of the devastating storm.
I follow another mother's blog who travels the same broken road that I am on. I will borrow from a post she shared this week. I am trying to get to this point but I am having such a struggle.
"Why would I want to allow the enemy to steal joy from today through my fears of
tomorrow? God will already be there when and IF I arrive! If I carry tomorrow's
burden of pain today, will it make the burden lighter tomorrow? Obviously not!
But Christ will be there tomorrow to help me carry it! So, for today.... I
will choose JOY instead! "